My Dream Job

I am really writing this blog for my daughter, Maddie. It's true you can be whatever you want when you grow up, but first and foremost follow the Lord because he has placed desires in your heart for a reason. Many well-meaning people will offer useless and actually harmful advice but you are the one who makes the decision. It took me a very long time to realize this. Once I came across a quote that had a profound impact on me: “You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers … If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” - Steve Jobs  As long as I could  remember, I wanted to be a mom. In grade school, we had to draw pictures of "what we wanted to be when we grew up". I wanted to draw a busy mom but I felt that was an inadequate response for the assignment. Sometime early in life we all learned, you can have it all. Be the mom but also do (insert whatever job will pay for your lifestyle). Eventually I gravitated toward nursing because if you are a caring person who loves people, you should be a nurse. Plus it had good job security. Anyways, only while having a child in the middle of nursing school did I stumble across my real passion again. It was there all along, buried under years of ideas and other peoples dreams. I enjoyed being a mom, in fact it was like I was made for it. Litterly, my hips are made to carry children. I am not saying everyone should be a mom, in fact I am more aware than ever that some people should not. The one thing I happen to love and find much joy in is something you do not need a degree to do. Disturbingly, you do not need any certification at all which is why so many people take for granted that you get the task to raise another human being.
After my second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, I wondered if I should just continue my education and not have another baby until we are in the "ideal" place. You know, degrees all done, house, blah blah blah. Then a couple from out of town came to visit our church and prophesied over me. Keep in mind, she did not know, I just had a miscarriage. Her words to me were "The Lord will give you the desires of your heart, the wait will not be long, be expectant." I was surprised by her words especially "be expectant". This confirmed something in me. I do not have to have every one's approval. I always heard growing up, "you want how many kids? oh just wait till you have one and you will change your mind." At what point did wanting to be a mom become such a bad choice. I am having the time of my life doing this and honestly I could not picture myself doing anything else. Why did I spend so much time fulfilling other peoples dreams and deferring mine. I was raised as a only child, so being that I spent my childhood around adults, I am going to spend my adulthood around children. Maddie, find a passion and go after it, never looking back to wander what others are thinking. Live your life, because as another favorite quote says "life does not have a dress rehearsal, this is it."  In final words, Maddie-you can change the world, you already did mine.  love ya-mom

My Dad

Something’s you just don’t appreciate about your parents until you become one. Last night, everyone was asleep except for me who was quietly sneaking around putting up folded laundry. This made me wonder how many more times will I do this as a parent? How many times did my parents do the same for me without anybody ever knowing? I thought of my dad, someone who works without talking (Unlike myself). I should say, after 24 years of asking and borderline interrogating my dad, I know a fraction of his life story. He is not one to tell his accomplishments, so I figured as his very talkative daughter I could share some of the few but great stories I know. As the oldest of four kids he learned responsibility young. His first job was picking cotton for something like 50 cents an hour. He used this money to pay cash for his first car, a gray corvette. He was the first one in his family to go to college. He put himself through on an ROTC scholarship. He also ran track all while completing his engineering degree at Auburn University. War Eagle! At one point in college he lived in a condemned house that had rodents living in it, so he outlined the path to and from his mattress on the floor with bug repellant so he could sleep in the house. I am not sure I could say I would do that just to be at college. After graduation and flight school he flew harriers for the USMC for 21 years and retired a lieutenant colonel. This further strengthened his discipline and work ethic. At the age of 67, he can still put me to shame doing yard work or any other kind of work for that matter. Once he drove from Montreal Canada to MHC NC and only stopped for my mom to pee. Thank God I was not on that trip. I often think of my dad when I eat a good meal because he is not only an impressive cook but hands down can grill the best steak on the east coast and arguably all of America. As long as I can remember, our house has always had good food, our backyard has always had a garden, and our closets have always had a gun. My dad tends to act like a real bad ass but when I saw him hold my daughter I realized he is actually quit the softy. My dad has survived a heart attack, an aortic aneurysm (which he drove himself to the hospital when he was having), cancer, E.coli, and 2 hip replacements. As the most stubborn person I know, I think he may very well out live us all. My dad taught me a few things that I am still working on perfecting: work more than you talk, what others think about you is never as important as what you think about yourself, and never never never give up.

Different Parenting Styles

       Normally I am very careful to not fall into the trap of criticizing other parents because I know we are all one step away from being "that parent". Each of us has been caught in that dreaded moment where you just don’t know what to say. For example sometimes your child is noticeably underdressed/overdressed for the weather. Just a few weeks ago we had a random hot day and while at the park I had to strip Maddie down to her diaper and t-shirt because her little jeans looked more ridiculous than a half dressed baby on the loose. With that said, this morning Maddie and I were at Target and I witnessed an incident that called for Supernanny. I love Supernanny, but often I wonder how it ever gets to that point before the parents call for help. Anyways, "target mom" looked concerned when I turned down the aisle with Maddie in tow. I was trying not to stare at her child who was about 5 years old and was having a hissy fit in the middle of the toy section. The mothers reply verbatim was “you know that my little pony you got this morning, it is going in time-out for 2 days". I was thinking to myself, your 5 year old child is freaking out and you are putting her toy at home in time-out? What is that? I mean I understand people being against spanking, but now you are against putting the child in time-out. So you are putting her toys in time-out. That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard. That child has lived without the toy for her whole life till this morning so I would suspect giving it up another 2 days is not life altering. Needless to say her behavior did not change and we left because I did not want Maddie getting any ideas.

 Also recently, while watching 19 Kids and counting a preview for the show Toddlers and Tiaras came on. I am not sure if I was more concerned for the child or disturbed by the parent. I admit, I have watched some of this show before out of curiosity and it was beyond words. These parents are teaching their daughters to put on fake hair, fake tans, fake teeth and fake nails. Even if the child does win, you just taught them you had to be completely altered and fake to win. Without beauty, you are not good enough. Plus the biggest thing that baffles me is how much money those mothers spend. I wonder if they took all the money they would normally spend on pageants and invest it in education or orphanages or sending their child on trips to discover the world, how much more of a long term investment would that be. I am not against all pageants by any means but clearly there is a healthy balance that these moms have crossed. So we often hear comments like "what is wrong with kids today" my answer is, the parents who raised them. We have taken God out of schools, well talk about a recipe for disaster. Plus, half of all children have divorced parents which statistically has a greater impact than a child experiencing a death of a parent. Evidently moms do not know how to handle maturational behavior in a healthy way. So what do we do to fix these problems and have children raised in nurturing families with both a mom and dad? 

a moms heart

No matter how far a pregnancy is or how old a child is a mother will always grieve the loss of the dreams she had for her baby.

To my unborn child,

Although I was never able to feel you move, I knew you were there. I was excited that you were due three days before your sister’s birthday and that you two would be close in age. In my mind, I had already planned trips to Disney world for joint birthday parties. You were always planned, even if not by your father and I. Now I have to believe, you are in the presence of the Lord. Because his word tells me that he knitted you together in my womb, and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Jesus was the first thing you ever saw, how blessed you are my baby.

Mommy got a tattoo (something your grandparents were not happy about) to remind me that you are in good hands. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. His faith is not contingent upon our faith, he is always faithful. He always loves. He is the giver of life. To him be the glory. Right now, it is the end of March and we would have just found out if you were a little boy or girl. I will always wonder until I get to heaven and get to see you. I overheard a woman in my mom’s group the other day say she was due at the end of August and I immediately thought of you. You have made me realize what a joy it is to be pregnant and I promise to not complain the next time around. You also taught me to appreciate every day because nothing is guaranteed. Most importantly, I learned to not be afraid of the unknown because the Lord is still on the throne. Thank you. Your short life on earth was a blessing and I am thankful for you. I will never forget you. When August 24th comes, I will remember you. I have wondered if there was anything I could have done differently so that I could have met you, but I know the Lord is bigger than me. I will grieve the loss of you, but heaven rejoices. I will see you one day my sweet baby.

Love,

You’re Mom

Update on our miscarriage

After being hit with the news of a pregnancy that would not develop, I had to decide what my next step would be. I was given 3 options: 1. Have a D&C to surgically remove the pregnancy tissue 2. use misoprostol (Cytotec) a pill that induces cervical dilation and uterine contractions or 3. just wait it out and eventually my body should "take care of things". I needed a little time for my mind to catch up with my body so firstly I just went for a second opinion at a different Doctors office. This nurse practitioner was very helpful and said I was the third "blighted ovum" this week. She said, you know it really is a miracle that so many people make it here because from the medical perspective the human genome is so complex that a ton of things could go wrong. Her words brought me peace and reminded me that all life is truly a miracle. Well, then the waiting began. Two weeks went by and I was tired of seeing pregnant women all while knowing I am pregnant with a miscarriage just waiting to happen. After speaking with every person I know in the medical realm and doing an extensive amount of research on the Internet I decided to take the plunge and use the medicine that had been sitting on my counter for over a week just looking at me. I decided Friday night was the night because I knew Donovan would be home the next day incase their were any unexpected complications. I was ready to take the medication and move on with this whole process but I was extremely anxious about what was in store. The Doctor had also prescribed Percocet and Phenergan with the Cytotec so I knew this was not just going to be some normal menstrual cramps.  I took the medication right before going to bed Friday night and immediately took a Percocet too. I will skip over the gory details but I don't mind answering any questions if someone wants to know. I can say however that the medicine worked! At this point I just have to go to an appointment on Friday to make sure no pregnancy tissue is left that could cause infection. Since this experience I see people and especially children differently. My heart breaks for women who have had miscarriages and also abortions because I now know what it is like to wonder what happened to that baby. To see other pregnant women and wonder what could have been. While I was researching the medicine I was prescribed to cause the rest of the miscarriage I found numerous sites where women used this same drug(Cytotec) to induce an abortion. One women even said "You can by 4 tablets for $37 on the Internet and it worked great, only my sister knew I was pregnant, I have done this twice and would recommend it". Before my miscarriage this statement would have just made me angry but now, my heart just felt heavy for her. Does she even know what she did? Has she ever seen anyone be born? I would gladly adopt that baby and give it a good home. I wondered what happened in her life that inducing an abortion at home seems normal. How have we come to this? I can not make sense of somethings that happen, like my miscarriage. I do know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28. He his given me a peace that surpasses all understanding even in this time of sadness. Experiencing this miscarriage has fueled my desire to look into adoption even more. I am not sure when or how this dream will come to pass, but I know the Lord is preparing my heart in a great way. I am excited about the future and I really appreciate all the encouraging comments along the way. I actually go back from time to time and read the comments on my wall about the miscarriage. Thank you FB family.

Living on Love, because we had nothing else.

I met the man I consider the love of my life one month after turning 16 years old. Looking back, it is no wonder everyone thought we were crazy. Donovan likes to say he married me young so he could finish raising me right :) Well, that is pretty much what we did; finish raising each other. We met at my first "real" job, Sportsworld (the local skating rink). Donovan was the DJ and I was the skate guard. Our pay was $5.15 an hour, and we worked our tails off for it. The first time we were formally introduced, I thought to myself he is cute but I would never date him. I really felt that way. Before I knew it, his sexy South African accent had me. I was falling for him but he was uninterested, I could not believe it. Not interested! I would get all dressed up on Fridays when it was time to pick up our paychecks and I would hope I ran in to him. Well, it must have worked because a few months later, He wanted to date but I was kind of over him by this point. He took me out to a nice dinner and formally asked me out to which I replied, you are a really nice guy but I am just not the girl for you. Well, he must have been praying, because I started to fall hard. Eventually, we were both on the same page and began dating Aug 27, 2005 (This was a few days into my senior year of high school and now our daughter's birthday) We will fast forward a year, Donovan proposed to me after a few miles of riding our bikes on litterly the hottest day of the summer. I was wearing spandex shorts, a sports bra and I was covered in sweat. After he asked me, I started to feel sick. I guess it was the nerves plus the heat because I started throwing up everywhere. Skipping over a few details, we rode our bikes back to the cars and I was fine the rest of the day. We got married May 19, 2007. I was 19 and Donovan was 21. We were clueless about the real world, but we loved God and we loved each other. Our first year of marriage, we both worked and we both went to school full-time. I only knew how to cook breakfast foods and the word budget was a new concept altogether. Fast forward almost 5 years. Now Donovan is graduated with a "normal" job and I am getting to be an at home mom while taking 2 online classes. This is so easy compared to where we have been. In the past, there have been times we did not know how we were going to pay our bills and every time, every single time, the Lord would provide. We have had anonymous checks show up in the mail, we have had people at church give us hundreds of dollars, and I have had people not cash checks I have written all because they said the Lord told them to do it. I have learned that getting married, no matter the age, if your goal is to honor the Lord first and foremost you can rest assure that you will be taken care of. Marriage is not hard because you are too young, marriage is hard because of selfishness; an expression you see more often in young people. One of my favorite pieces of marriage advice we received was "remember, marriage is not about each person giving 50 percent, but it is about both people giving 100 percent all the time." I am reminded of this when I am acting lazy, and sometimes I wonder how many more couples would stay married if they put as much thought and work into the marriage as they did for their wedding and reception.

Our Miscarriage

I know some of my friends are going to be mad at me for finding out such big news through Facebook but I could not emotionally handle a 30 minute conversation with every close friend and relative today. So please forgive me. This morning I was scheduled for my first OB appointment since finding out I was pregnant on December 11, 2011. We were very excited to get to see the little baby and hear the heartbeat. I will be 9 wks tomorrow so I expected to see a fairly human looking little guy. Unfortunately, sometimes you're plans are different than how life unfolds. During the ultrasound, the technician said, there is the gestational sac but there is no baby. She was very matter of fact about it and then said I could speak with the doctor in a few minutes. After waiting for what seemed like forever, the doctor said, please come into my office to talk. He explained, you are pregnant but there is no baby. (My thought was I am nauseous and throwing up and I don’t even get anything for it). I was still trying to make sense of it all as he started to list off our options 1. Wait for my body to abort the rest of the pregnancy, 2. Take a medication that should bring on the rest of the miscarriage or 3. Have a D&C to surgically remove the rest. As of now, I will just wait a while and pray my body does the work for me as I am not fond of medical intervention. One thing I do know is that God is good. His plans are greater than my plans and his thoughts are higher than my thoughts. He is still in control and I am grateful for the family I do have. I do not know what this all will bring for the Engelbrecht family but I do know we are not anxious to get pregnant for a little while. Focusing on the fact that I can eat sushi and have a nice glass of red wine with my dinner is very therapeutic right now. I felt the Lord tell me very early in this pregnancy, whatever happens, to write about it. I was kind of hoping that meant something fun like being pregnant with twins.haha. I did not expect it was to be pregnant with no baby. I think miscarriages of any kind are greatly under talked about. Now that I have had one, I see why. After being emotionally drained, the last thing I feel like doing is talking about. Especially over and over again. So please do not take offense for me not calling you. Donovan and I each only called our mothers. However, everyone knows we were expecting, because I am terrible at keeping exciting news a secret. I do not regret telling everyone so early on, because I want people to be aware of what just happened and to know why I need a little time to myself. I am not a private person, so not telling that we were pregnant and not telling that we had a miscarriage would have actually hurt the healing process in my opinion. Yesterday I read half of the book Heaven is for Real, and in it, the main character tells his mom about his second sister that he met while in heaven. At first the mom was confused, saying you only have one sister. Then the mom realizes, that must have been the baby she had lost at 8 weeks. I believe that all life is a miracle and not until we see someone working to save it or trying so hard to have it, do we really appreciate it. If anything good comes from this situation, I pray that all glory goes to God, the giver of life and every good and perfect gift.