a moms heart

No matter how far a pregnancy is or how old a child is a mother will always grieve the loss of the dreams she had for her baby.

To my unborn child,

Although I was never able to feel you move, I knew you were there. I was excited that you were due three days before your sister’s birthday and that you two would be close in age. In my mind, I had already planned trips to Disney world for joint birthday parties. You were always planned, even if not by your father and I. Now I have to believe, you are in the presence of the Lord. Because his word tells me that he knitted you together in my womb, and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Jesus was the first thing you ever saw, how blessed you are my baby.

Mommy got a tattoo (something your grandparents were not happy about) to remind me that you are in good hands. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. His faith is not contingent upon our faith, he is always faithful. He always loves. He is the giver of life. To him be the glory. Right now, it is the end of March and we would have just found out if you were a little boy or girl. I will always wonder until I get to heaven and get to see you. I overheard a woman in my mom’s group the other day say she was due at the end of August and I immediately thought of you. You have made me realize what a joy it is to be pregnant and I promise to not complain the next time around. You also taught me to appreciate every day because nothing is guaranteed. Most importantly, I learned to not be afraid of the unknown because the Lord is still on the throne. Thank you. Your short life on earth was a blessing and I am thankful for you. I will never forget you. When August 24th comes, I will remember you. I have wondered if there was anything I could have done differently so that I could have met you, but I know the Lord is bigger than me. I will grieve the loss of you, but heaven rejoices. I will see you one day my sweet baby.

Love,

You’re Mom

Update on our miscarriage

After being hit with the news of a pregnancy that would not develop, I had to decide what my next step would be. I was given 3 options: 1. Have a D&C to surgically remove the pregnancy tissue 2. use misoprostol (Cytotec) a pill that induces cervical dilation and uterine contractions or 3. just wait it out and eventually my body should "take care of things". I needed a little time for my mind to catch up with my body so firstly I just went for a second opinion at a different Doctors office. This nurse practitioner was very helpful and said I was the third "blighted ovum" this week. She said, you know it really is a miracle that so many people make it here because from the medical perspective the human genome is so complex that a ton of things could go wrong. Her words brought me peace and reminded me that all life is truly a miracle. Well, then the waiting began. Two weeks went by and I was tired of seeing pregnant women all while knowing I am pregnant with a miscarriage just waiting to happen. After speaking with every person I know in the medical realm and doing an extensive amount of research on the Internet I decided to take the plunge and use the medicine that had been sitting on my counter for over a week just looking at me. I decided Friday night was the night because I knew Donovan would be home the next day incase their were any unexpected complications. I was ready to take the medication and move on with this whole process but I was extremely anxious about what was in store. The Doctor had also prescribed Percocet and Phenergan with the Cytotec so I knew this was not just going to be some normal menstrual cramps.  I took the medication right before going to bed Friday night and immediately took a Percocet too. I will skip over the gory details but I don't mind answering any questions if someone wants to know. I can say however that the medicine worked! At this point I just have to go to an appointment on Friday to make sure no pregnancy tissue is left that could cause infection. Since this experience I see people and especially children differently. My heart breaks for women who have had miscarriages and also abortions because I now know what it is like to wonder what happened to that baby. To see other pregnant women and wonder what could have been. While I was researching the medicine I was prescribed to cause the rest of the miscarriage I found numerous sites where women used this same drug(Cytotec) to induce an abortion. One women even said "You can by 4 tablets for $37 on the Internet and it worked great, only my sister knew I was pregnant, I have done this twice and would recommend it". Before my miscarriage this statement would have just made me angry but now, my heart just felt heavy for her. Does she even know what she did? Has she ever seen anyone be born? I would gladly adopt that baby and give it a good home. I wondered what happened in her life that inducing an abortion at home seems normal. How have we come to this? I can not make sense of somethings that happen, like my miscarriage. I do know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28. He his given me a peace that surpasses all understanding even in this time of sadness. Experiencing this miscarriage has fueled my desire to look into adoption even more. I am not sure when or how this dream will come to pass, but I know the Lord is preparing my heart in a great way. I am excited about the future and I really appreciate all the encouraging comments along the way. I actually go back from time to time and read the comments on my wall about the miscarriage. Thank you FB family.

Living on Love, because we had nothing else.

I met the man I consider the love of my life one month after turning 16 years old. Looking back, it is no wonder everyone thought we were crazy. Donovan likes to say he married me young so he could finish raising me right :) Well, that is pretty much what we did; finish raising each other. We met at my first "real" job, Sportsworld (the local skating rink). Donovan was the DJ and I was the skate guard. Our pay was $5.15 an hour, and we worked our tails off for it. The first time we were formally introduced, I thought to myself he is cute but I would never date him. I really felt that way. Before I knew it, his sexy South African accent had me. I was falling for him but he was uninterested, I could not believe it. Not interested! I would get all dressed up on Fridays when it was time to pick up our paychecks and I would hope I ran in to him. Well, it must have worked because a few months later, He wanted to date but I was kind of over him by this point. He took me out to a nice dinner and formally asked me out to which I replied, you are a really nice guy but I am just not the girl for you. Well, he must have been praying, because I started to fall hard. Eventually, we were both on the same page and began dating Aug 27, 2005 (This was a few days into my senior year of high school and now our daughter's birthday) We will fast forward a year, Donovan proposed to me after a few miles of riding our bikes on litterly the hottest day of the summer. I was wearing spandex shorts, a sports bra and I was covered in sweat. After he asked me, I started to feel sick. I guess it was the nerves plus the heat because I started throwing up everywhere. Skipping over a few details, we rode our bikes back to the cars and I was fine the rest of the day. We got married May 19, 2007. I was 19 and Donovan was 21. We were clueless about the real world, but we loved God and we loved each other. Our first year of marriage, we both worked and we both went to school full-time. I only knew how to cook breakfast foods and the word budget was a new concept altogether. Fast forward almost 5 years. Now Donovan is graduated with a "normal" job and I am getting to be an at home mom while taking 2 online classes. This is so easy compared to where we have been. In the past, there have been times we did not know how we were going to pay our bills and every time, every single time, the Lord would provide. We have had anonymous checks show up in the mail, we have had people at church give us hundreds of dollars, and I have had people not cash checks I have written all because they said the Lord told them to do it. I have learned that getting married, no matter the age, if your goal is to honor the Lord first and foremost you can rest assure that you will be taken care of. Marriage is not hard because you are too young, marriage is hard because of selfishness; an expression you see more often in young people. One of my favorite pieces of marriage advice we received was "remember, marriage is not about each person giving 50 percent, but it is about both people giving 100 percent all the time." I am reminded of this when I am acting lazy, and sometimes I wonder how many more couples would stay married if they put as much thought and work into the marriage as they did for their wedding and reception.

Our Miscarriage

I know some of my friends are going to be mad at me for finding out such big news through Facebook but I could not emotionally handle a 30 minute conversation with every close friend and relative today. So please forgive me. This morning I was scheduled for my first OB appointment since finding out I was pregnant on December 11, 2011. We were very excited to get to see the little baby and hear the heartbeat. I will be 9 wks tomorrow so I expected to see a fairly human looking little guy. Unfortunately, sometimes you're plans are different than how life unfolds. During the ultrasound, the technician said, there is the gestational sac but there is no baby. She was very matter of fact about it and then said I could speak with the doctor in a few minutes. After waiting for what seemed like forever, the doctor said, please come into my office to talk. He explained, you are pregnant but there is no baby. (My thought was I am nauseous and throwing up and I don’t even get anything for it). I was still trying to make sense of it all as he started to list off our options 1. Wait for my body to abort the rest of the pregnancy, 2. Take a medication that should bring on the rest of the miscarriage or 3. Have a D&C to surgically remove the rest. As of now, I will just wait a while and pray my body does the work for me as I am not fond of medical intervention. One thing I do know is that God is good. His plans are greater than my plans and his thoughts are higher than my thoughts. He is still in control and I am grateful for the family I do have. I do not know what this all will bring for the Engelbrecht family but I do know we are not anxious to get pregnant for a little while. Focusing on the fact that I can eat sushi and have a nice glass of red wine with my dinner is very therapeutic right now. I felt the Lord tell me very early in this pregnancy, whatever happens, to write about it. I was kind of hoping that meant something fun like being pregnant with twins.haha. I did not expect it was to be pregnant with no baby. I think miscarriages of any kind are greatly under talked about. Now that I have had one, I see why. After being emotionally drained, the last thing I feel like doing is talking about. Especially over and over again. So please do not take offense for me not calling you. Donovan and I each only called our mothers. However, everyone knows we were expecting, because I am terrible at keeping exciting news a secret. I do not regret telling everyone so early on, because I want people to be aware of what just happened and to know why I need a little time to myself. I am not a private person, so not telling that we were pregnant and not telling that we had a miscarriage would have actually hurt the healing process in my opinion. Yesterday I read half of the book Heaven is for Real, and in it, the main character tells his mom about his second sister that he met while in heaven. At first the mom was confused, saying you only have one sister. Then the mom realizes, that must have been the baby she had lost at 8 weeks. I believe that all life is a miracle and not until we see someone working to save it or trying so hard to have it, do we really appreciate it. If anything good comes from this situation, I pray that all glory goes to God, the giver of life and every good and perfect gift.

Growing up with ADD- A personal post

First of all, it is true that more Americans have this diagnosis than in any other country and it is true that more white boys carry this diagnosis than any other race. Therefor it is fair to say we may very well be over diagnosing today's youth and therefore over medicating in hopes that overwhelmed parents can have some peace of mind. My dad would never allow me to be seen by a medical doctor for this diagnosis due to the negative stigma that is attached. This meant I had to learn how to get my school work done while not getting in trouble own my own. Therefore I pretty much hated school, except of course for the social aspect:) I remember being the very last student to finish my homework every single day at daycare when I was younger. This was because I could not focus through a single math problem little lone an entire assignment. This is probably one reason I have never finished a book to this day. The ending is usually a let down to me anyways. I could come up with a better ending, faster with out reading the story. People with true ADD are very creative, their mind is constantly going and coming up with alternative ideas. This is why we are actually quit successful in business and art. We also deal well with change in the work environment. Are mind is constantly changing, so a complete shift in the plan does not devastate us. We constantly learn new ways to do things. How ironic, I spent many years in grade school leaning how to think "inside the box" so I would not get in trouble and then while I was in college, I realized most people who are successful have made a living "thinking outside the box." On that note, what was I doing all those years in school learning how to be just like everyone else? I am just kidding, I do not resent my teachers, on the contrary I am thankful for many of them. However it is a little confusing that in grade school, the teacher wants you to do something the way she does it(step by step) and in the real world, the ultimate test is, can you figure this out by yourself with no one showing you how to do it. I have heard it said, that if ADD is real, then where were all these kids 50-100 years ago? Why are so many people diagnosed only now? Well, those kids have always been there, they were the class clowns and the drop outs. They always could make you laugh but wanted to copy your homework. They were not dumb, they just thought differently and if you march to the beat of your own drum in school, you are labeled "a bad student". If you have child who is ADD, do not feel sorry for them, do not go easy on them, but do listen to them. They are capable of more than you realize. It takes a smart person to get through school with out reading. As far as medicine goes. I tryed ADD medication for the first time in high school, once I was old enough to go to the doctor by myself. The medication was very helpful, and I realized I was capable of completing tasks I did not know I could. BUT, you sell a piece of your soul when you take it because it alters your personality. I noticed I started becoming reliant on taking it, which I was not comfortable with because everyone in my family has "an excessive personality" and I could see that prescription drugs were gaining to much control in my life. The Lord is good and he is in control of your life if you allow him to step in and take over. He had to do a little house cleaning and honestly I feel the Lord has given me clarity with my thoughts. He created my mind and so it made sense that only he could bring ultimate healing to my brain.

Michelle Duggars baby did not survive. Jubilee would have been number 20.

There is a wide range of views about Michelle Duggar and why she chooses to continue having children after her last child was born with many medical problems at 25 weeks gestation. I do not know what it is like to lose a child  but I will say, many people lose a child and try again doing everything in their power to have a healthy child. If you almost die in a car accident, do you never get in a car again?   I think people are acting so hateful towards her because they cannot understand her desire to have as many children as she can. Please note, I do not desire to have as many children as her. Not only could I not afford it, but physically I know I could not keep up with the demand; however what I do not understand is why people are so harsh with her when 1.they are not using government assistance 2.they have a proven track record raising exceptional children  3.you know those parents love each other and are not getting a divorce like half of Americans today (which I am sure has a greater negative impact than being one of many kids). I am much more concerned about the alcoholic mom, the abusive mom, the unwed teenage mom, the mom with no education and no support or the siblings that are raised in foster care. So the older kids help out a lot, they are children. My husband was raised on a farm in south Africa. He cleaned pig sties every morning (including Christmas). big deal. It was practice for when he put himself through college and worked while being married. Those kids are fine. Also my husband, who was 1 of 4 kids has a much better work ethic than myself who is the only child in my family. I am tired of people getting so angry over the way the Duggars are choosing to live. People say “She needs to keep her legs closed.” Get real.  This debate is not about "having too much sex" with OMG her husband! (That is called a good marriage). This is about Michelle Duggar having the right to choose. Everyone is pro choice, until the woman CHOOSES to have as many kids as she can and then sound the alarm - A married woman is having a child! Some people say "what a shame the older kids help out so much." Would it be better if they got to be selfish like most kids these days and sit around on their lazy butts playing video games, not respecting their parents, doing drugs and getting to spend their time doing what they want? Which way is a better way to teach kids about the real world? Overall, I think our society could learn a lesson from the Duggars, and be more considerate while they are going through such a hard time. Walk in freedom - have no kids if you like, or have as many kids as you want, and let her do the same.

Knoxville TN torture, rape, and murders

I will start off by saying I usually will watch many videos and read many articles on a topic before I choose to write about it. However this time is different, I could not watch more than a few minutes of this recorded trial because I litterly became sick to my stomach and thought I might vomit. My chest began to hurt and I was overwhelmed with sadness for the victims and their families. As I laid in bed upset, I asked God to help me look to him and not dwell on these tragic murders. I asked for no dreams last night because I was afraid of what they might contain after hearing this story. When I woke up this morning I was more aware than ever that there is a God and there is a Satan. I am angry that are society downplays both or even worse says this terrible story is somehow part of God's plan. NO! God came to give us life and life more abundantly, Satan comes like a thief in the night to steal, kill, and destroy. John 10:10. I think it is clear whose plan this was. I have not heard of a more concrete and modern example of  Satan stealing, killing, and destroying.  I do not know the life story of  those who committed this crime - who tortured, raped, and murder Channon Christian and Chistopher Newson, but I would dare to think that the hate in each of their lives began long before that day on January 7, 2007.  He tells us to love one another and this is what people are doing to each other? Seeing the evil that humans are capable of, it is no surprise that once God destroyed the world by flood . We can absolutely not sit back and let Satan run ramped over our lives while we just hand over our schools, our government, and our children. I have great compassion for these victims which is why I have no problem saying go ahead and give the guilty criminals the death penalty. In fact I believe doing so is extremely compassionate because if someone did this to me and my earthly dad got to sort them out, you could bet they would pray to have a needle in their arm. My heavenly father is even more just. He knows exactly what to do even when we do not. He is not just a lamb but a lion too and I am thankful he deals with us accordingly. I have posted a link to the article for reference, but I would caution you that is it extremely upsetting to read. Don't feel obligated to read it. If you are interested, there is a petition to sign to keep this case from being retried. Please pray for the people affected and ask God to help us, we undoubtedly need it.
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.change.org%2Fpetitions%2Fgovernor-of-tennessee-stop-the-retrial-for-murderers-of-channon-christian-and-chris-newsom&h=sAQGErcboAQETVAykyr88oDznTiD1sRh3FIwCKtB1q3G5-Q